New depths of Hell
So I thought I would write because I have allot on my mind and want to express myself about this topic. I have been dealing with depression for a long time, I have noticed it has been harder for me to cope with more now than in the past.
I don't know what to do except write and just express some feelings even if they are very dark and dangerous to express. I know this will be a good " release" for me and this is why I am writing. For anybody who doesn't know what it's like to go through depression here is just a taste of what it's like.
Before my husband and I had our second yr. anniversary I was feeling really low (which has been the first time feeling like this) I thought of killing myself with sleeping pills, putting a plastic sack over my head, with a rubber band around my neck, and going to "bed" so I don't have to wake up the next day. That night we had a huge fight and I told him about killing myself and I just cried. We talked it through.
We went to St. George to get away for our second yr. anniversary, the first two/three days were GREAT!!! had the best time ever. we were able to talk and just have fun, then the the day of our anniversary a switch was flipped, I had to do everything in my power to not have a "meltdown" all day. We were going to Zions to hike around on easy trails and enjoy nature (the weather was perfect not to hot or cold) I did have a little freak out at lunch and was almost was going to go full blown but thought it wouldn't be fair to my husband.
On the way back to town we decided to go to Red Lobster because we have never been there and thought it would be fun that we had steak and lobster just like on our honeymoon might as well on our anniversary. You think things would get romantic during dinner and have a great evening....lets just say it ended up with us having a HUGE fight. I have never have felt so unromantic and "let down" in my life! I felt like I was jaba the hut emotionally, physically and every which way possible (that's putting it nicely).
When we first got to St. George we got a very "cheesy romantic" CD for the fun of it, bath salts & bubbles for the tub, tea light candles and room freshener, fake roses to cut up to have "rose petals" around the room so it could be romantic. Lets just say it was a great idea but never happened the way we wanted. The next day was just business of getting ready to come home.
Today between my shifts I just cried because of issues which made me even more depressed. I would take anti-depressants but we are so poor we can't afford insurance to get the stuff. My husband and I have talked about my cat and why I have her, she is more of a blessing because she keeps me sane and preoccupied durring the day and not so focused on depression.
But the scary thing is that with the depression I don't know if I'm going to have a good day or a really bad day (where everything just goes wrong no matter what) I don't want to get out of bed because I'm afraid I'm going to have such a bad day, that I'll walk off my job and never go back, or even worse yell at one of the kids because I wouldn't be able to control myself because of the depression. I'm scared of myself because I know what I'm capable of doing and what damage I can do to myself. I have to deal with this all day every day hoping something better will come about but never does.
I know I have the kind that there is seriously chemicly wrong bcause I feel like I have a very blessed life (even thought it's not perfict) I have it really good, I have a part time job, roof over my head, a husband that loves me, a cat that I addore, food to eat, bed to sleep in. Alot of the time I ask myself "whats wrong with me"? and I think there's nothing wrong with me, then why am I so depressed there is nothing wrong.
I don't know what to do except write and just express some feelings even if they are very dark and dangerous to express. I know this will be a good " release" for me and this is why I am writing. For anybody who doesn't know what it's like to go through depression here is just a taste of what it's like.
Before my husband and I had our second yr. anniversary I was feeling really low (which has been the first time feeling like this) I thought of killing myself with sleeping pills, putting a plastic sack over my head, with a rubber band around my neck, and going to "bed" so I don't have to wake up the next day. That night we had a huge fight and I told him about killing myself and I just cried. We talked it through.
We went to St. George to get away for our second yr. anniversary, the first two/three days were GREAT!!! had the best time ever. we were able to talk and just have fun, then the the day of our anniversary a switch was flipped, I had to do everything in my power to not have a "meltdown" all day. We were going to Zions to hike around on easy trails and enjoy nature (the weather was perfect not to hot or cold) I did have a little freak out at lunch and was almost was going to go full blown but thought it wouldn't be fair to my husband.
On the way back to town we decided to go to Red Lobster because we have never been there and thought it would be fun that we had steak and lobster just like on our honeymoon might as well on our anniversary. You think things would get romantic during dinner and have a great evening....lets just say it ended up with us having a HUGE fight. I have never have felt so unromantic and "let down" in my life! I felt like I was jaba the hut emotionally, physically and every which way possible (that's putting it nicely).
When we first got to St. George we got a very "cheesy romantic" CD for the fun of it, bath salts & bubbles for the tub, tea light candles and room freshener, fake roses to cut up to have "rose petals" around the room so it could be romantic. Lets just say it was a great idea but never happened the way we wanted. The next day was just business of getting ready to come home.
Today between my shifts I just cried because of issues which made me even more depressed. I would take anti-depressants but we are so poor we can't afford insurance to get the stuff. My husband and I have talked about my cat and why I have her, she is more of a blessing because she keeps me sane and preoccupied durring the day and not so focused on depression.
But the scary thing is that with the depression I don't know if I'm going to have a good day or a really bad day (where everything just goes wrong no matter what) I don't want to get out of bed because I'm afraid I'm going to have such a bad day, that I'll walk off my job and never go back, or even worse yell at one of the kids because I wouldn't be able to control myself because of the depression. I'm scared of myself because I know what I'm capable of doing and what damage I can do to myself. I have to deal with this all day every day hoping something better will come about but never does.
I know I have the kind that there is seriously chemicly wrong bcause I feel like I have a very blessed life (even thought it's not perfict) I have it really good, I have a part time job, roof over my head, a husband that loves me, a cat that I addore, food to eat, bed to sleep in. Alot of the time I ask myself "whats wrong with me"? and I think there's nothing wrong with me, then why am I so depressed there is nothing wrong.
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