Amy's so called life

Before I started my diet I was on my way to very bad health habits, I thought I was healthy & denied that I was on my way to a very bad place. I thought I could do almost do about anything  anybody could and didn't know that I would probably would have a meltdown of every kind known to man. Now that I'm on the diet I have lost 60 lbs and feeling better about myself and retraining my brain & habits on healthy eating & activities and thinking positive. I know I have a long long ways to go I would like to lose 100+ more  lbs to go so I need to get jogging and fast.

I know this might sound like some saga of the locker/restroom at the rec center in Provo but today I went back into the women's locker/restroom to face my demons/fears or whatever you what to call it and I did very well. I had no bad feelings or wanting to run out of the locker/bathroom screaming like a mad woman, hyperventilating, shaking like a leaf on a windy day. I had a very positive experience and I liked it. when I was backtracking through the locker/restroom a thought came to my head that the Holy Ghost had a part in this even though it may sound twisted and weird because I've told other people about this experience about this and they have mentioned that it could be the Holy Ghost prompting me to get out before it did happen and if I did stay in there if it would have happened and that's why I had been shaken to my "core" and left ASAP. but to today I felt so good and nothing "negative" happened which is good. yay!!!..................an...

This morning I went to the Provo Rec Center to get a walk in for the day and to get to know the place better, I noticed the ladies locker/rest room on the main level that I never noticed before so I  thought might as well see what it looks like so if I needed to use rest room I know where to go. So I go in to check it out,  well the more I went in the more I felt uneasy and weirded out and then I remembered I had a dream that I had that I got brutally beaten and raped and left for dead  in a women's locker room that looked similar to this and it was creeping me out and the further I went in it was making me not like it and I almost was going to start to wig out then I just turned around and almost ran out of the restroom because of how uneasy I felt because of the feelings and memories of this dream that I had. I forgot about this dream until I went into this restroom and why would this restroom set the trigger of  having the memory of t...

I Loved coming to this because I was able to spend time with my hubby, meet a guy that new my mom's side of the family history which was so cool and listen to bagpipes, drums, digary doo, and violin play all together in a "band setting" and sound good.

I have decided that I don't ever want to have kids in this life or in the next life because I have decided that I am by what other people's standards a "child molester" overbearing, to rough, yell at them for no reason what-so-ever horrible  person to be around with kids so I have self diagnosed that I'm not a great person to be around with kids because I am inappropriate around them in any and every way possible.

The other day I had an experience were I was in a big group of people and I overdid something and made a total idiot out of myself, I haven't had an experience like that in a long time and in front of all of people I know. I tried to play it cool but ended up going to the bathroom and crying for 10 min of embarrassment. That is why I don't have kids, friends, trust issues with people that I am suppose to trust. I now like I prefer to stay at home have small groups of friends with older kids preferably 2 yrs and older and going to there house it meeting up and not engaging with the kid to much because if I did I would be considered a pedophile maniac who should register as a child molester in my neighborhood I think allot of people I know personally would be very happy that I did that and that I get a restraining order that requires me to stay way from there kids at all times, places that I not even look at them or even talk to them.

OK so it's not much but it's something so I weighed myself and I weigh 230 and I've weigh that for a month and that bothers me because I've been trying to lose weigh and I can't. but my measurements from before I started and now are...... before I started upper arms:18 now:16 1/2, before I started bust: 49 1/2 now: 47, before I started waste 51 1/2 now: 48, before I started hips: 56, now 53 1/2  my thy's are the same I'm not surprised and I'm ok with that so I'm making some progress but not the progress like I want but it's all good but I thought I would share