Amy's so called life

I figured if anybody reads this that's great if not that's OK too, but I wanted to update this Blog Spot and my life from depression, despair and sorrow to happiness, full of life and happiness. I want to have a better outlook in life even if it has taken me 40 years to see that and that's OK. I think the reason why is because I finally am in a place where I'm actually happy and I'm moving forward in my life and I don't have anybody or anything holding me back, I'm exited! especially with the new year coming up might as well start everything fresh with the new year of 2018!

My cat Puffy she is my little best friend because she has been there for me when I have had really hard times and I feel like we are really close and I feel like she is like my "baby" even though I know she is not human. I know she is a smart little thing but she did the most dumbest thing possible she went into a vent and got stuck in the heating unit in the basement. It freaked me out because of her doing that I feel lucky that I have Ian as well to help get her out because other wise I don't know what I would do. he was able to keep his wits about him and get Puffy out and I scolded her and hugged her at the same time then hugged Ian when he did finally get her out. this is the first time she has ever done something like this which is really odd because she is a really good cat but I think curiosity got the best of her finally with a vent in the laundry room being broken and not on the wall correctly, we made sure it was taped on the wall very well so she doesn't d...

I read some of my old post I seemed to be caught up in just being self centered, immature and that I used this blog as a gateway to exploit my feelings and others. Now I just want to use this blog as a journal of wanting to be a better person and great accomplishments not as a crutch for bad behavior. Plus it's a new year and I want to be a new me in wanting to be better even if it means taking it one moment at a time. I know it's going to be hard because of depression and anxiety but sometimes that's all it takes just taking it one moment at a time, I've come to the grips with that.  but I want a better life for myself and might as well share with others if they/you want to read.

This year of 2014 has been very hard on me mentally, emotionally, socially, and physically (the nice thing is that my marriage has been wonderful! I love being with my husband, he has been a rock for me. My husband has listened to me and has been there on so many levels I don't know what I would do without him if he ever left or something happened to him)  I feel like I have been dragged through the mud on so many levels, situations, people with my depression I feel defeated even with anti-depression meds. I blame myself for it all because I have opened my mouth, that's when the ugliness comes out (hence the last post) makes me want to hide because I feel so ashamed because of the ugliness. I might sound like I blame others but I am the one to blame because I am the one who has the low self esteem, can't control my temper, keep inappropriate comments to myself, socially awkward on so many levels.

So how I feel as a person and how I treat people are pretty close and it's not pretty I don't think because of how I handle situations, talk to loved ones, treat myself, etc. I feel so ugly inside and out and the only person I blame is myself. I know I have become mentally ugly as well, the best pictures I could find that could come close to how I feel are these:

I had the Great opportunity to Women's Conference @ a Steak house with my Grandmother, Aunt, Step-mother, and cosine. I haven't been active in the church for almost 10 years and it felt good to feel thee spirit again I haven't felt it so strong in along time! I have been reading the ENSIGN of the last conference talks and I did listen to the last Conference it did impact me in a good way. When I was @ the Women's Conference I got a little distracted because there were teens there texting on there cell phones, older women whispering a conversation a couple of rows behind me and as a less active person who wants to continue to feel the spirit I can't because of these distractions, I felt sorrow because these women don't understand how lucky they have the gospel in there life and they live in a place where the gospel is so accepted. It makes me cry that they take the gospel for granted. I haven't felt the spirit so strong in so long it felt so good it mak...

I know this is lame of me because I haven't written in a long time, I come up with this but I thought might as well. But I have been working on myself in getting things in order which I feel have been way long over due and making a "game plan" for 2014 so I can continue to work on myself physically & and any other way possible so I can become a better version of myself, I feel like I am on the right path and I like it....allot because I'm actually taking the correct steps to make the right steps in having the "ultimate game plan" and that's I want to have done in the next couple of years.

YOUTHFUL MIND EXERCISES   Learn a new skill Start a new project Read more cognitively challenging books Write more Learn a new language Try yoga or new exercise routine Meet new people Visit new places I saw this in a magazine at work the other day and I thought this would be great to work on as a  new years thing for 20014 well at least some of them and master them and then start on the next project, the nice thing about some of these things is that you can keep improving on them if you wanted like _meeting new people, learning new skills, writing more even if it's just in my/your journal, reading challenging books.     

It all started when I watched an episode of Phinas & Ferb and they went to the park blah, blah, blah long story short it ended up with the older sister singing a song about squirrel's in her pants. ever scene then all of AMERICA is in love with squirrel's then the other day I found out on the Ellen show that this month is squirrel awareness month other than breast awareness

Before I started my diet I was on my way to very bad health habits, I thought I was healthy & denied that I was on my way to a very bad place. I thought I could do almost do about anything  anybody could and didn't know that I would probably would have a meltdown of every kind known to man. Now that I'm on the diet I have lost 60 lbs and feeling better about myself and retraining my brain & habits on healthy eating & activities and thinking positive. I know I have a long long ways to go I would like to lose 100+ more  lbs to go so I need to get jogging and fast.

I know this might sound like some saga of the locker/restroom at the rec center in Provo but today I went back into the women's locker/restroom to face my demons/fears or whatever you what to call it and I did very well. I had no bad feelings or wanting to run out of the locker/bathroom screaming like a mad woman, hyperventilating, shaking like a leaf on a windy day. I had a very positive experience and I liked it. when I was backtracking through the locker/restroom a thought came to my head that the Holy Ghost had a part in this even though it may sound twisted and weird because I've told other people about this experience about this and they have mentioned that it could be the Holy Ghost prompting me to get out before it did happen and if I did stay in there if it would have happened and that's why I had been shaken to my "core" and left ASAP. but to today I felt so good and nothing "negative" happened which is good. yay!!!..................an...

This morning I went to the Provo Rec Center to get a walk in for the day and to get to know the place better, I noticed the ladies locker/rest room on the main level that I never noticed before so I  thought might as well see what it looks like so if I needed to use rest room I know where to go. So I go in to check it out,  well the more I went in the more I felt uneasy and weirded out and then I remembered I had a dream that I had that I got brutally beaten and raped and left for dead  in a women's locker room that looked similar to this and it was creeping me out and the further I went in it was making me not like it and I almost was going to start to wig out then I just turned around and almost ran out of the restroom because of how uneasy I felt because of the feelings and memories of this dream that I had. I forgot about this dream until I went into this restroom and why would this restroom set the trigger of  having the memory of t...

I Loved coming to this because I was able to spend time with my hubby, meet a guy that new my mom's side of the family history which was so cool and listen to bagpipes, drums, digary doo, and violin play all together in a "band setting" and sound good.

I have decided that I don't ever want to have kids in this life or in the next life because I have decided that I am by what other people's standards a "child molester" overbearing, to rough, yell at them for no reason what-so-ever horrible  person to be around with kids so I have self diagnosed that I'm not a great person to be around with kids because I am inappropriate around them in any and every way possible.

The other day I had an experience were I was in a big group of people and I overdid something and made a total idiot out of myself, I haven't had an experience like that in a long time and in front of all of people I know. I tried to play it cool but ended up going to the bathroom and crying for 10 min of embarrassment. That is why I don't have kids, friends, trust issues with people that I am suppose to trust. I now like I prefer to stay at home have small groups of friends with older kids preferably 2 yrs and older and going to there house it meeting up and not engaging with the kid to much because if I did I would be considered a pedophile maniac who should register as a child molester in my neighborhood I think allot of people I know personally would be very happy that I did that and that I get a restraining order that requires me to stay way from there kids at all times, places that I not even look at them or even talk to them.

OK so it's not much but it's something so I weighed myself and I weigh 230 and I've weigh that for a month and that bothers me because I've been trying to lose weigh and I can't. but my measurements from before I started and now are...... before I started upper arms:18 now:16 1/2, before I started bust: 49 1/2 now: 47, before I started waste 51 1/2 now: 48, before I started hips: 56, now 53 1/2  my thy's are the same I'm not surprised and I'm ok with that so I'm making some progress but not the progress like I want but it's all good but I thought I would share

So I thought I would post some pictures of what I look like now I look still the same for the most part I think but I thought have an update at least, So I started at weighing at 285 lbs for all you skinny girls out there you know who you are be thankful your not that heavy trust me it's not that great you have allot of health problems and to top it off just sitting in a cooler for a half hour I would be sweating up a storm and I think that is disgusting to be honest YOUR NOT SUPPOSE TO SWEAT WHEN YOUR SITTING DOWN IT'S UN-NATURAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but anyways I'm down to 230-235 lbs my weight keeps fluctuating between the two numbers so I put both but after spring break I really want to really get serious about loosing the weight and my goal so far is to weigh 200 lbs but my overall weight I want to be is around 130-135 so I have along ways to go but I want to break it down so it's something to accomplish. oh just a side note on the last picture I was b...

A couple of weeks ago my feet were hurting ALLOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so I decided to go on line and see were I can get some shoes that would help, I stumbled across this website that sells shoes and I thought might as well check it out and so I did. I started looking closer at the shoes and their reviews on how people liked or wasn't happy with the shoes they got from this place, for the most part allot of people really like the shoes because of extra padding, extra arch support, wideness of the shoe or whatever it is, of course there was some bad reviews but it's expected when there are reviews but it's nice to read peoples comments on the brand or type of shoe it. So I decided to get this shoe (shown above, there were no reviews on it yet) I knew I would be taking a risk but I went through with it and I worn them for some time and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THESE SHOES!!!!!!!!!!! they are so nice my feet feel so good in them and they have room...

So the other day I was thinking about this and I have had it stuck in my head ever since. I think it's because I haven't lost the weight like I want to but I know I need to be patient with this diet, I have this diet & exercise journal and in the front of it  there's questions that you answer and one of them is What is your body type? I put pear but the more I think of it the more I have convinced that I have a large marshmallow body, small marshmallow head, and tooth pick arms and legs. I tried on some smaller pants (size 20) and my legs fit but my body couldn't fit for the life of me (body is a size 26) so that's why I say that I have a marshmallow body with tooth pick limbs.

So I wanted to write about this even though it's a little dorky but my stray cat Hermes passed away and I found him in the spare bedroom and I cleaned him up (more like put him in a plastic bag with gloves on) and buried him, I cried because he's been coming around for years. Ian and I feel like he came around because he felt safe and this house was a safe haven for him and we wouldn't "kick him out" because he was a stray he got along just fine with my other cat so here's to you Hermes my unofficial cat. Love you little loud eater