Amy's so called life

Would you choose differently if you could choose your occupation again? Why? How? Any advice?  I have been thinking allot about having a new occupation (don't get me wrong I love working as a crossing guard) I wish I could take all the experiences that I have had from the time I graduated from high school til now and condense them into Jr. high til about 20ish, I know that would be allot in a "short" life but I feel like I could have the life I have lead but add to it with an education while still young.  Don't get me wrong I don't regret my life at all I have learned allot from lifes lessons, it's not the "typical" Utah life but I would not trade what I have learned for anything. I would love to get an education in the highest degree posible and use it to the best way posible.

So I made a Journal Jar in a Relief Society activity the other night and in that jar is ?'s that you could put into your journal and answer the ? one of them made me want to post in my blog and the question is: What is your favorite painting? The first thing that came to mind was the painting called "Girl with the pearl earring" I don't know why it's my favorite painting it just is.

So I posted that I was having flash backs of dreams and then after posting I had even more but this time they were more disturbing even for me as an adult. I talked to my husband about it and we are both convinced that I must have had one heck of a bad past life where I must have done bad things and worshiped the devil and it leaked into my subconscious when I was a small kid into this life. I had dreams about this girl in my neighborhood that had spiders as eyes the body of the spider was where the eye of the girl was suppose to be and the legs of the spider on her face, I had that dream allot. Then I would have another dream where a guy was wearing a hokey mask, plaid shirt, blue jeans and beating me with a metal base ball bat.  These dreams were in the house we lived in before the house  my mom lives in now. When we moved into the house that my mom lives in now I started having dreams about a red eyed goat that was trying to take me back where I needed to finish some things (I

when I go to work in the mornings I do what is required of me and make sure things are safe for the kids then I wait for them to come so I can help them across the street in a safe way. while I wait that's when it gets interesting... I watch the cars go by and others (walk or bike) the sad thin is that I have given names to the various cars and bikes riders and here they are:  the suburban that sounds like a boat out of water (when in reality it needs a new muffler).  then there's the guy who rides by on his bike who smirk's at me while singing country songs out loud (I call him the "creepy guy who sings country songs") the look he has on his face makes my skin crawl. then there's the 1970-80's trans am that looks like it's age and the guy in it looks like he hasn't washed his hair in a month I call him T.J. Hooker just because of his car. that's what I do in my spare time isn't that sad that I have nick names for cars and people th

So I have been having allot of "flashbacks" of dreams that I have had in my life and if you know me I have dreams every night, that adds up to allot of dreams. Some of the dreams I remember having is (when I was around 7-8) a man trying to kill me wearing blue jeans a hooded jacket and a "Jason" mask or hockey goal keeper mask I remember him being on top of me and beating me with a machete or large knife.  When I was in high school I had such vivid dreams that I thought they were real and they usually consisted of when I was at school like in class or in the lunch room or hanging out. Then where I would be driving and have a wreck with an expensive car then wake up realizing it was just a dream. (scared me thinking that I would have to pay for a new car).  This dream still has had such an impact on me I still feel the feelings I had in the dream, I was expecting a baby and while expecting something happened to my husband that when I went into labor he wasn't

Since my last post my mom was nice to help me in getting anti-depressants for my birthday and what a world of difference I feel so much better I am actually feel happy instead of having to fake it.

So I thought I would write because I have allot on my mind and  want to express myself about this topic. I have been dealing with depression for a long time, I have noticed it has been harder for me to cope with more now than in the past.  I don't know what to do except write and just express some feelings even if they are very dark and dangerous to express. I know this will be a good " release" for me and this is why I am writing. For anybody who doesn't know what it's like to go through depression here is just a taste of what it's like. Before my husband and I had our second yr. anniversary I was feeling really low (which has been the first time feeling like this) I thought of killing myself with sleeping pills, putting a plastic sack over my head, with a rubber band around my neck, and going to "bed" so I don't have to wake up the next day. That night we had a huge fight and I told him about killing myself and I just cried. We talked it th

So I was thinking about this today and had a small conversation through texting with my mom about "mooching" and about giving and taking, I feel like I have mooched allot over the years and how I have taken but not have given back. Allot of relationships are give and take and are healthy but when it's all give or all take it's unhealthy. I'm not just talking about the relathionship that I have with my mother but in any relationship in anybody's life. I feel like I'm a taker in allot of ways.

So a while ago I was at what you call a "family gathering" of some sorts and I overheard a cousin who is about 10-14 (I'm guesstimating) yrs younger than I am and how she isn't married yet and how much she would love to get married and that she's almost an old maid (now considering I'm 34 and just got married a little less than 2 yrs ago)  I almost turned around and tore her a new one because of me being single for so long and just getting married, not to mention that we have 3 other cousins on the same side of the family who are older than me that are not married! Just baffles my mind that at her age be complaining about not getting married yet. Makes me think of Sherrie Dew I heard one of her talks at a women's conference (I went to before getting married) how in her life she's had many suitors and never really worked out (not because of her being picky) but how she was at one point even engaged. she also mentioned how hard it was for her to go thr

 This is a lfoot bridge to some trails you could hike around the cooke city area  this picture is just on the outside of the foot bridge I was taking a seat on the steps and thought this would look cool  this pictur was taken just outside of silver gate my mom has a book of hikes you can take and this was an easy one  Ian's btother took this picture so there could be eveidence that I went to  this is at the trail head I can't remember the name but it's not to far from my mom's cabin it has alot of history behind this area and I think that's why I like this area this waterfall is in the park and it's my favorite and I had to show Ian when we went into the park Ian and I went to Cooke City for 10 days and loved it we were so busy with things and showing Ian's family around we had a blast when we left we couldn't belive that it was over already I lov that place.

So lateley I feel like I have been feeling lucky because I have all these wonderful things like a bed to sleep in, a house to live in, a car to drive, even enjoying the great weather, having a job and thankful I have one, food to eat every day, and even a husband that loves me and laughs at my dorkyness. but the thing that sucks the most is having depression, I couldn't ask for a better life and the simplisity of it but for some reason I couldn't be more misrable and would love to live somebody else's life and to get away from the depression I hate it like a plague it feels like I have the plauge and can't do anything about it makes me want to cry but the thing is that there's nothing to cry about because I have such a good life and there is nothing to be sad about what so ever alot of times I want to curle up in a very dark hole in outer mongolia and covering myself with a rock and just stay there.

Ok so i kind of did th same thing on my face book and I wanted to do the same thing on here as well but I have these cards that I have that are great for striking up a conversation and here's one that I like: What place on earth are you the most spiritually connected to? for me I have to say Cooke City, Montana I love that place and all ya have to do is go outside and go for a small hike and I feel like I'm in "GOD'S" country I LOVE IT! but I have to say that I have been to many other places on earth that are very "spiritually" inspiring like Hawaii that if you went to a part of an island that's not very populated I can see how you could feel spiritually inspired. but I have to say this is the hippie part of me comming out but I have to say in my defence that GOD did make this world. I think if you had a hymn book, your scriptures, ensign, your journal, and time to meditate (or think about what you read) I think you could be very inspired or anybody

so the other day I was sitting at home and thinking about words that sounded funny. I can't remember why and how it stared me thinking about these words that sound silly but just started thing about some and here they are: Dink, Squishy, Boink, Woodbuger, But puckering squatch, squatcha-cabra.

So last week was spring break for all the kids so I had the week off I thought I would really like it boy was I wrong! I didn't like it at all! I was so Bord through the week by the time Sunday came around I was in a very bad mood from being home all week. I have to say that I really like my job because it gets me out of the house and motivates me to get going and do stuff throughout the day.

I have to say that ever since after Easter I am feeling better about things and that I am really liking this weather it makes me happy.

So the past couple of day's I've been thinking about this and it's bothering me. so in the year of 2012 I have lost my job, lost all health insurance, filed for unemployment & food stamps,part time job as a crossing guard for the city of Provo, while doing that got a massive cold that has lasted two & 1/2 weeks, I ran out of all medications and can't get more without insurance, put my husband Ian through the ringer because of running out of anti- depressants. Trust me it hasn't been fun for me either because of having to deal with all of this junk. To really top it off I feel like my family thinks I'm a bum because I'm working part time and bumming off of the government for unemployment,not working at a real job I feel like I am ready to go into the mental institution because I don't think I can mentally Handel the stress from my own depression (which SUCKS)and to get bashed by loved ones. makes me really feel like I don't belong here on this

So for the past TWO weeks I have had the worst cold I have in my adult life. To tell you the truth I don't like it on bit because I have had the fallowing: runny nose, stuffy nose, dry/wet cough, sore torso from coughing so much sore neck and multiple headaches, hot/cold flashes, crankiness beyond belief! I don't like it one bit because I have never felt to yucky for so long in my life. I wouldn't wish this on anybody ever in any lifetime.

So I have to say I have a part time job bing a crossing guard and I have to say I like it and I found this picture and I thought it was AWSOME!!!!! words can't describe the funniness of this picture. all I can say is ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I've been thinking about this, I know probably arn't supose to but... it just makes me wonder. so I was looking at the stars recently and it made me think if there's other worlds out there, it makes me wonder if I was sent to the wrong world because I'm so diffrent from everybody else no matter where I go. I'm always diffrent from everybody else and it sometimes bothers me because I'm so diffrent. I know it's good to be diffrent becsuse it givs me individuality but I'm so diffrent it just makes me wonder what it's like in othr worlds and if I would fit in better there and I wouldn't feel so diffrent. also what I would be like on that other world snd what it would be like, if I would be happy, sucsessful with alot of things being at the right place at the right time, and alot of other things it just makes me wonder about being on another planet and if I would just fit in better there.

I have to say ever since I married Ian he has been so good to me and I have to say we make a great pair and I have to say I LOVE IT we rarly get into fights and we are both so layed back we work things out pritty good.

just some pic'sof what has happened ofer the past couple of months